My New Years Resolution...2011

This year is a new year.  This year is the year, that I attempt to become a better human being.  Of course I have the same resolutions as the norm...lose weigh, exercise more, eat better...blah blah.  I am working on those as well, but my main resolution is the greatest of all.  I have decided that being angry is not worth it.  In the past, I have vented against certain people, in a very negative manner...I regret this to the fullest.  I am starting to let more and more, just roll off the shoulders.  I don't feed into the negativity, and I keep everything positive. (For instance, my blog =) )  I am working very hard at all of this. While I know in the end, it isn't going to change anything, at least it will make me feel better as a person.  I know this won't even change her attitude towards me, but it will give me a different one towards her.  I don't want to be mean, or hostile. In fact, I wish nothing more than to get along.  I wish her motives were the same.  Only time will tell I guess. I know there is always hope, and people change....I just hope that day will come sooner than later.  Thanks for listening...and until next time! =)

Mothers be good to your daughters, too.

A lot is going on...

A good friend of mine recently sent me a link, and told me I needed to check it out.  It was to the bio-mom's new husband's Facebook.  On his wall, were various comments in regards to me or my husband.  It was just plain infuriating.  Obviously this man only knows one side of the situation, and that's hers.  He was claiming my stepdaughter as his, because her real father "can't be a man and raise his own child."  It was comments like this that really infuriated me.  Apparently she has only told him, her victim role, side of the story. She hasn't told him the truth. That she assaulted my husband, that she filed false charges against him, that she has had no contact orders placed on him...moved...changed her phone number, etc.  She also emailed me a couple weeks ago, just to rub in our faces that my husband is no longer a subject in her household, and that his daughter doesn't even really remember who he is.  WOW! I am a mother of three.  My two youngest daughters' dad chose to walk out that door, chose to be an alcoholic, and have nothing to do with his daughters.  Even after several attempts by myself!  There is nothing physically wrong with my husband, nothing mentally wrong...no reason at all his daughter should be kept away from him.  I just have to sit and wonder...what on earth is wrong with people!!  And so the battle begins...We finally have the money to retain an attorney, and fight for the rights of my husband...or better yet, the rights of my stepdaughter to have her daddy in her life.  Wish us luck in our fight, as I know when it comes to BM, she plays dirty.  Hopefully all goes well...I just fear that my husband will end up with a broken heart. =(

Dedicated to my step-daughter....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h88cHh3xtBk&feature=related

I was thinking....

I just want all of you stepmoms out there to know...no matter how small you feel when it comes to your step children...you are not.  You will make an impact on their lives, and may not even realize it!

I am 27 years old.  I have 3 children of my own, and 1 step daughter.  I was at MY stepmom's house yesterday...doing laundry like we do on most Sundays.  I was on my facebook, and just kind of skimming around, and reading stories from other stepmoms...and relating.  Not only on the level of the stepmom's, but on the level of the children.  I was a stepchild...and not a very good one.  I hated my SM at first.  I was the kind of child, that was not easy for anyone to deal with.  She dealt with me though...and I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world.  I have "that" kind of BM(biomom).  Not really a mother at all.  When I got pregnant at 17, BM kicked me out, and stepmom was there to buy my daughter her first baby crib.  I don't have a relationship with my BM anymore.  We barely speak...I see stepmom every week though.  She's my support system, she's there when I need her, most of all she plays grandma to my kids.  You would think this may sound somewhat normal, for a stepmom whose been around this long...IT"S NOT.  My stepmom and biodad have been divorced for over 10 years.   My stepmom has been remarried for several years...to the man I consider stepdad.  If it weren't for these non-blood relatives...I wouldn't have any kind of parental support system, or relationship.  Even though I, and my children, and husband are not blood....they treat us like we are.  Ten years ago, I would've never though I'd have this kind of unbreakable bond with my stepmom.  But I do.  And I am so so so thankful for it.  I hope other stepmoms read this, and realize no matter how bad things are right now....there's hope in the future.  Even though you're "just the stepmom", sitting in the background...you are SOMEBODY!

Playing the role of the victim...

I have to say that it's pretty irritating to see my husband slandered on numerous Facebook pages.  Pages such as "I hate dead-beat dates" and "Dead-beat dad's should be castrated".  To me a deadbeat dad is a dad that chooses to be absent from his child's life. A dad that has nothing to do with his child. A dad that doesn't support his children, or care about their well-being.  My husband pays child support.  My husband has been working his butt off, just to save enough money to fight this fight in court.  My husband would love to see his daughter, but is not permitted to. How do you slander someone, when what you're upset about is your fault?  You are the one who will not allow her a relationship with her father. You are the one who continuously seeks out no contact orders, so he can't even call her on the phone. I think it's horrible, that you say such filthy things about your daughter's father...not to mention the fact that you do it so publicly.  You're not the victim here. Not even close.  How dare you say such horrible things.  My husband loves his daughter...I have to watch him hurt every single day, over the pain you are causing him.  He pays his child support every month, no matter how broke we are.  He wants his daughter...he's upset all the time, because you won't let him see her.  Then you turn around, and say nasty things about him, in public forums on Facebook? Unbelievable.  I hope one day, you will own up to what you have done.  I hope you will take responsibility for your actions.  I hope after you do all of that, you are still able to live with yourself! Most of all...I hope your daughter will have the strength to forgive you, but if she doesn't...don't be upset with her...it won't be her fault...only yours.

For the readers who are experiencing similar circumstances...

I know it's hard hearing people say horrible things about you.  I know it's hard to sit back and listen to people slander you to no end, and to hear them call you names, and degrade you. I've been there.  Usually things like this are done out of jealousy and pure envy.  Maybe the other party feels like you are better, and this is their way of bringing you down to their level.  I know it's hard to just let it happen, and it's even harder to not fire back. I have fired back before...not directly to her face, but in my own way. Sometimes I knew she had access to what I had to say about her, and at the time it made me feel a little better.  As I ponder those times now, I realize it was not the right thing to do, and I regret it.  I realized by ignoring her thoughts, emails, and comments I am being the bigger person.  Being the bigger person makes me feel better.  I know it's only human to be angry when someone degrades you, and it's a natural instinct to try to hurt that person back.  Don't do it.  This is my blog, but if you are experiencing these things and you need to get it off your chest, you are welcome to use my comments section. I encourage you to let it all out. If that doesn't work for you, then I encourage you to start your own blog or journal. Some sort of outlet that allows you to vent.  If you do chose my comments section, please keep it as positive as possible. No name calling, no slandering.  Please do not use the other parties names, or give any information that would disclose who that person is.  I will be forced to delete any negative posts, or anything involving one's personal information.  I hope this helps, and good luck...

Attorneys and their fees...

So we spoke with another attorney again today.  This whole situation is so discouraging, and continues to get even more discouraging.  Apparently when you're a father who wants what's best for his daughter, it costs a lot of money.  Through experience with my biochildren, I know it costs little to nothing if you're a biomom.  Matter of fact, I think I only paid $1.25, and that was just for a copy of the paperwork.  I didn't need an attorney, because the state was there to represent me.  So why is it, when it comes to the father being the best for a child, he has to pay so much money?  Whatever happened to children having rights? Why are there not attorneys out there that work for children.  We already pay more than enough in child support...which according to "biomom", she's spending it on things like, booze and drugs. (These are her own words)  According to the attorney I just spoke with, she is entitled to spend that money on whatever she wants.  Then why isn't it called "mother support"?  This whole situation just angers me, and I just don't even know what to do about it anymore. It hurts to see my husband so upset over what to do about his daughter. It's really just not fair.  His child is supposedly abused, and there's really nothing he can do about it, unless he forks over thousands of dollars.  We are trying to support ourselves and our children in the home, and are barely making ends meet.  Still there's a child out there that needs us, and there's just no help when it comes to her. UGH!  I guess I'll just continue to rack my brain, and look for alternative resources.  What else can I do?

Being Blogged about...

My mission for my blog is to keep it positive.  I will not attack, slander, or speak badly about my husband's ex.  While putting all of my feelings out on the table helps me to feel much better, I have learned in the past that saying hurtful things doesn't do any good.

I have been blogged about...I have been tore down...I have had horrible untrue things said about me. I have been called "trash", "welfare case", "cow"...you name it, the ex has probably called me it.  Seeing her blogs I used to get so upset and angry.  While I knew it was all untrue, and she was just lashing out, I felt the need to respond.  I wanted to lash back, to hurt her as much as her words hurt me.  I did. It's something I am definitely not proud of.  I learned from this experience that I was only feeding into her.  I had to be the stronger better person.  I deleted every fowl thing I ever said about her.  I created a blog as a positive outlet.  I hope that one day, she will see what she is doing is childish and wrong.  Her words are just words. There is an underlying issue, possibly guilt, jealousy, rage. I don't know, maybe it's her way of coping and dealing. I will no longer allow myself to be hurt or enraged with the things she has to say about me.  In reality, nothing she says can, and will not bring me down. Remember...misery loves company...those who are miserable, will try to make everyone around them just as miserable.

A little about me...

I am the mother of 3 gorgeous little girls, as well as a stepdaughter. I started this blog to share my story, about my experiences as a wife, mother, and stepmother.  I hope to help other mothers/stepmothers that are going through the same thing, or who are in similar situations....

Here's the deal.  Three years ago, I met the love of my life. He became the father, I always wanted my two youngest girls to have.(Their biological father literally has nothing to do with them.) My husband also has a daughter of his own. Sadly, my husband's ex was not happy with his decision to move on.  Shortly after we started dating, the ex gave him an ultimatum. Either he could stay with me, and not see his daughter, or he could move back in with her and see his daughter everyday.  He made what he felt was the right decision, his daughter.  I tried convincing him there were other ways, but in the end, as a mother, I understood.  Your child should be number one no matter what...so I let him go.  Six days later, he was back, and made up his mind that he was not going anywhere.

I was happy with his decision...but there would be hell to pay for his decision.  In his attempt to leave, and come back, the ex slashed his tires.  I started receiving text messages that I'd rather not repeat from his ex.  All hell broke loose.  She sent CPS to my home on two separate occasions, false allegations that were of course unsubstantiated.  My husband picked me up from work to take me to lunch one day, unknowingly being followed.  When attempting to leave the restaurant, we were blocked in by the ex. She got out of her vehicle and publicly assaulted my husband, while his child watched from her backseat.  She was charged with domestic battery, and received a diversion.  I was harassed for months.

The day before our wedding, we received word that the ex was attempting to foil our plans.  She had gone to the courthouse to file for "common law" divorce. Fortunately the state we lived in did not recognize such a thing, and we were still married the following day.

One month after our wedding, the ex called and "had come to terms" with our marriage.  She was ready to allow my husband visitation.  He got one visit. We received court documents a few weeks later, for an order for child support/paternity.  My husband had never questioned paternity before, but after receiving Facebook, Myspace, and text messages, he had now had reason.  The ex was telling people there were two other possibilities when it came to paternity.  This crushed my husband, and it was very hard to handle him going through all of this.  Everything that was happening was so surreal, almost unbelievable.  A paternity test was done, and of course my husband was a match.

The courts first ordered mediation. That turned out to be a real joke. The ex had visitation set up to be supervised, by herself of course. My husband was to meet with her one night a week, for dinner at the restaurant of her choice, to see his daughter for 2 hours. (I know...I wasn't too thrilled with my husband having a date night once a week with his ex.) This lasted one week.  The next week the ex had plans, and would not be able to meet.  The following week she was going on vacation. The week after that, another excuse.  Then it's back to court we go.  This time she gets it continued.

One day we receive a phone call from the ex, that my step daughter's in the hospital, then she hangs up. While my husband tries repeatedly to call her back, I dial hospitals to see where she is.  Of course she's not in a hospital in a thirty mile radius, if even at all.  Later that day, we receive a phone call from the PD in the town she lives in.  My husband is being charged with "phone harassment"...Apparently the ex documented every phone call, then called the police.  She has a no contact order placed against my husband...and once again is no longer allowed contact with his ex, but most of all with his daughter.

As the months go by, we try to put our heads together about what we should do.  Neither of us have ever dealt with anything like this.  We didn't really have the money to hire an attorney, which gets expensive when you have cases complicated like this one.  We had really just given up hope. It's a scary situation when you know someone has so much control over your life.  My husband made the very difficult decision to just let things pass, and hope that eventually the ex would get over her jealousy and insecurity issues.

That day...unfortunately...never came.  What did was even worse...

We received an email from the ex's current boyfriend.  He was concerned for the safety and well being of my stepdaughter.  He said the ex was hitting my stepdaughter with, belts, spoons, brushes, whatever she could get her hands on. He said the ex was calling my stepdaughter names like, bitch, slut, whore, and telling her she'd wished she was never born.  My stepdaughter is only 3 years old.  It was unbearable for me and my husband to hear this.  We felt so helpless. It was heartbreaking really. We knew we had to do something, so we made the long drive, and sought help from the courts. We were awarded temporary emergency custody of my stepdaughter.  I finally got to meet the little girl I had heard so much about.  She was more than happy to be with us. She got along well with her stepsisters.  My husband was the happiest he'd ever been.

And then came the court hearing...
Unfortunately we didn't have the means to hire an attorney. Of course the ex's parents hired her a big wig attorney.  When it was our turn in front of the judge we were confident he would do what was in the best interest of my step daughter...we were wrong.  The judge spoke with her attorney, and dismissed the case. He wouldn't review the evidence...he wouldn't hear our witnesses.  He shoved us aside, and ordered my stepdaughter be returned to her mother.  We have not seen her to this day.  We have not spoke to her. We don't know if she's safe, or if she's being harmed.  All we can do is save money, and hope that some day soon we will have the money for an attorney...and will be reunited with the little girl we've lost.